Thursday, April 23, 2020

Choosing to Live

Yes, the title is a somewhat cheesy quote from Elnor in the new Picard series (did you watch it? I did! I'm sad the season is over) but I think it is accurate advice for me this week. This has been a strange last week. I don't even remember much of it; not because I've not been aware but perhaps I have been more spiritually aware instead of physically. I clearly remember what I was thinking last week but not so much what I was actually doing. But all that is better suited for a post on my OBOD blog, instead of this one. This one, after all, is mainly for sewing!


I do appreciate being able to write here. I started this blog almost 13 years ago and for many years I wrote about daily life as well as sewing projects. Back then, blogs were far more popular than they are now. Then Facebook became wildly popular and then Instagram. I do use, and like, both platforms. A private Facebook for family and friends and an public Instagram where I have been able to connect with wonderful folks from all over.

Venus in the early night sky
But there is something homey and personal about an established blog (and now I'm moving dangerously close to rambling on again about something better suited for a different blog). It is comforting to have something that I can come back to later and re-read if I want to without shuffling through social media posts. Instagram does a better job of keeping everything clear, and organized and neat and precise. But I think in the future I may come back and read about what some of life was like during the spring of 2020 and appreciate having that written down.

A wonderful friend sent me his book early this week. 
So, I do apologize that lately this blog has been far less about sewing! But I do have a sewing project to share in this one. Most of the photos in this blog post will be of it. ­čśü

Last week Gov. DeWine announced that we will start to reopen our state on May 1st. This will be a very slow process, but it has caused a lot of division here. Some people are angry that he is taking things so slowly. Our numbers here have been good (if cases of sickness and death can ever be considered "good".) People want to have their jobs again. Unemployment has skyrocketed. Meanwhile, people who lost their jobs due to Covid-19 at the end of March have still not received any unemployment benefits from the state. On the other hand, some people think he is moving too fast, too quickly. We should stay in quarantine til June, til July, til school starts, or til next year. In the middle there are people who acknowledge the risk of beginning to reopen the state but are hopeful that citizens will show sensible precaution in interacting with each other so as to allow some businesses to slowly reopen so that people can work and pay their bills. I feel that I am in this middle group.



Lord knows, though, I am getting weary of not having physical interaction. I went to Wal-Mart over the weekend to get some groceries and a birthday gift for Rose. Anne begged to come with me so she could pick out a present for her sister. I reluctantly allowed her to, as long as she agreed to wear her face mask, stay next to me, and not touch anything. She has not been to Wal-Mart or any store since the middle of March. As I pushed the sanitized cart through the store, Anne looked around, her eyes enormous through her glasses above her purple and pink mask. She complained she couldn't breathe. I wouldn't let her take the mask off, though (hers is just 2 layers of tightweave cotton). Many other shoppers also wore masks and kept a good distance away. Some did not wear masks and this bothered Anne. Why should she have to wear a mask when other people didn't? She actually looked up at a woman in the baking aisle and asked "why aren't you wearing a mask?" And the lady simply answered her "because I don't have one."




That broke me. I cried. I cried because someone didn't have a mask. I cried because all the people wearing masks are wearing them to protect others. I cried at not being able to smile at other people or see them smile back. I cried because even though I am far from a physically demonstrative person, I can't hug anyone outside my family. I can't hug someone to comfort or to feel comforted. I can't hug someone to let them know I'm happy they are there. I cried because we are all in this together, yet we are physically far apart. I cried because my parents are far away in Illinois and seeing them in videos or through pictures isn't the same. I cried because even though I don't talk to them as often as I should, I miss them terribly. I cried because I don't know how this situation will affect my sisters wedding this summer. I cried because dang it sometimes you don't need a good reason to cry because all the little reasons add up and come out all at once.



I allowed myself the luxury of thinking back over everything I can remember from the almost-34 years I've been on this planet and crying over those things, too. The thing that still pierces me most is the loss of Grampie in 2013. I'm crying now as I type this and think about him. My world changed when he left it. I am glad he's not here to experience this weirdness. He would be so worried about catching the virus. It makes me happy to think of him in heaven with my first little baby that I miscarried in 2006. I think of her (no, I did not know the sex of the baby and just "felt" it was a girl) as a the age she would be had she lived; I think of Grampie telling her stories and walking with her through some heavenly forest or along the shores of a heavenly sea, picking up sea shells and looking for starfish.


I have thought a lot about my spirituality this past week and have been considering how it has changed over the years. I have felt confusion and like. . .I just need more time? . . to think over things and work out exactly what it is I feel. I don't know why I have felt the urgency to just KNOW what I believe. There is no urgency. I bring that upon myself. Spirituality isn't something you learn and just know from then on. It's a daily conscious awareness that has all the changing light and shadow of the sun as it rises in the morning and filters through trees, or beats down from directly overhead, or gently lets go of the land in the evening while slowly sinking beyond the horizon.



I sewed a little dress for Rosie this week for her birthday. For this months Inspiration Team sewing I chose the Driftwood Dress from Twig & Tale. I decided to use that for her her birthday dress and it was perfect for her special day.


It is difficult to believe this precious baby is 5 years old now. 5! I meant this last year to be a beautiful one for her as it's her last year as a "baby" at home. Kindergarten starts in the fall. I have to wonder what her kindergarten will look like this year - the Governor is talking about a combination of online and in school learning when school resumes this fall. I hope she will love kindergarten, whichever form it takes. She is so excited about going to school.



We made a homemade cake, as usual, and decorated the dining room with streamers and pink balloons and she got a helium filled unicorn balloon which delighted her very much. She carefully placed the 5 candles on her cake but didn't make a wish, since she had made her wish earlier when blowing a dandelion to the wind. I had a beautiful afternoon with her at the local nature preserve. We walked through the woods wherever we wanted and enjoyed the warm sun and the ground covered in soft pale flowers and the muddy, cheerful, bubbly little creek. Malachi came with us and brought his fishing pole to take to the pond but he soon rejoined us and decided to carve a gig and hunt frogs. (He didn't find any, which rather relieved me.) 


Rosie quickly took the camera from me and took many photos of her own. Then, she decided to join her brother in the creek and slowly they both ventured farther and farther and got more and more soaked and when they gleefully began throwing wet mud at each other I decided it was time to come home. ­čśé



She is very happy that for the next 10 days she is the same age as Benjamin. Benjamin is eager to be 6 on the 2nd of May, since he will be older than she is once again. After his birthday the state will be slowly opening and . . .fingers crossed!. . .maybe the Hocking Hills will be open so we can go there for Mother's Day as we did several years ago. If not, Fort Hill is a very acceptable substitute. It is certainly a very holy place for me and much closer than the Hocking Hills.


We are going to look for morels as soon as we get another dry day. For now and the next few days we will have rain, and so I will take this time to be quiet, to pursue slow things and to spend more time hugging my babies. Maybe today I will begin the watercolor of our covered bridge as I've wanted to do since winter.

Much love to  you all,

Sarah

2 comments:

  1. I love your blog and have been reading it for years. I came for the sewing but stayed for the philosophy! I'm glad you keep writing the blog even though blogs aren't popular anymore. I haven't kept up with mine...

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  2. Oh wow, that's awhile! Thank you for still coming by! I am so happy you are still here.

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