The Cautious Plan

We are now just a few days away from reopening Ohio. The thought makes me have a prickling sensation that is not exactly positive or negative. I suppose it is a defensive feeling, like one stepping into an area with known dangers and being on high alert, waiting, watchful. On Monday Gov. DeWine outlined his plan for businesses to start to reopen. On May 1st, elective medical procedures that do not require an overnight hospital stay can resume. (So, dentists! Which is quite a good thing, since all of the children except Rosie and Malachi are due for their check ups. They had theirs that first week of March, one of our last normal weeks before all this began. . .) On May 4th, general business offices, manufacturing, construction and distribution companies can reopen, with health guidelines in place. On May 12th, retail and consumer services can reopen under the same  health guidelines. Restaurants, gyms and day cares will still be closed for now, however.

On Monday, the health guidelines included mandatory mask-wearing for all employees and customers/clients but as of yesterday the new chart showed masks as being recommended but not mandated. I know other states, like Illinois, are now requiring face masks to be worn in any public area. I personally will continue to wear my face mask if I am in a public area with others nearby but I probably will not wear one if I am, for instance, out at a park or nature area with just my children with me.

Photo by Judah

Photo by Rosie

 The boys are sorely disappointed over the probable loss of their Little League season. While we haven't had a confirmed cancellation yet and our local group was still accepting registrations as of a few days ago, we cannot move forward with it right now. There is rumor of a fall season, if things are better by then. Another disappointment for the boys is the cancellation of all in-person 4-H activities through August. This means no monthly meetings, no field trips, no camp, no summer judging of projects and very likely no fair in September.

Photo by Rosie - I love this one!

Photo by Rosie - my favorite

Photo  by Rosie

School ends on May 8th for all the children except Malachi. On that day I will go to the school gym and turn in all their packet work. Malachi continues to finish 5th grade with OHVA on May 29th. Benjamin had his first meeting with his teacher and classmates through Zoom last week. As he sat at the dining room table, smiling and talking excitedly with people he hasn't seen since March 12th, my heart broke for him. My heart hurts for our seniors and the losses they are experiencing - no prom, no senior trips, no graduation ceremony. The other night around 8:30 a decorated car drove up and down the streets, horn blasting away. It was a bit too dark to see what was going on but I assumed it was for graduation since we had just heard that all in-person graduation ceremonies had been cancelled. Someone on our Facebook group confirmed this. One person loudly complained but a lot of others supported honoring our seniors in any way we can. It doesn't make up, at all, for what they have lost out on but it is something. Now there is talk of having a parade with a car decorated for each student and we as a town can line the streets in front of our houses (properly social distancing, of course!) and cheer for them as they go by. 

Last week we pulled out the "buzzards", as Benjamin calls them 😂, and a few of the boys got hair cuts one afternoon. While I normally cut hair for everyone this time Rosie wanted to try and Benjamin had no problem letting her try. Judah decided that his shoulder length hair needed to go so he let me give him a hair cut after dinner one night and even allowed me to blow dry it after he washed it. He hadn't cut his hair since last year when baseball season started. He has a LOT. OF. HAIR.

I've mowed, got a little poison ivy already, even this early in the season, and gone through all our clothes to get rid of what we no longer need or have outgrown. I went through  my own closet on Monday and got rid of half of what was in there - I somehow have accumulated way more that I actually need! It feels good to have clean, organized closets again and to have all the winter things packed away.

All throughout this past week, though, I have felt very tired. It's a cycle of optimism, energy, production, then weariness followed by resentment followed by despair. The weather has been mostly good; the days have been sunny and warm and I feel mostly cheerful and hopeful. At night I cry and lay awake for long stretches of time, seized with worry and fear about the future. I am awake long before my alarm goes off at 6; I get up, more tired than I was when I went to bed and fix some coffee and take a shower before starting the day.

I have been continuing in this strange spiritual state this week; mostly living in my head (which is a very great fault of mine; balance is the best way to achieve peace!) I have pulled out all of my gwersi from OBOD and have been going through all of them, reading poetry, writing poems of my own and have been in a restless, almost frantic state of consumption of those booklets and research about the upcoming festival of Beltane. I have seized upon Beltane as a very significant event this year, and I am still not quite sure why I feel that way. What does it mean; this coming together of the Masculine and Feminine Divine, and what is the significance of their joining and the result of it? Why does this so overwhelmingly speak to me this  year? The festivals I most connect with have been Imbolc, Mabon and Samhain. I totally *get* what this festival is about but I never felt very personally connected to it, perhaps because I have such a complicated and unhealthy (trying to heal and grow from it though) view of my own self and my own sexuality. (Because dontcha know sexual thoughts or urges of any kind whatsoever are sinful unless you are with a person you are married to and you have those thoughts about only that specific person! If you deviate from those guidelines you are a depraved human being! Asexuality seems like a blessed state. . .)

Once again, this is a subject best suited to another place, another time. Moving on. . .

I put the restriction on myself that I cannot take time to read and write until everything else is taken care of first, so I have been expending huge amounts of physical energy every morning manically cleaning, overseeing schoolwork, cooking, doing yardwork, doing laundry, organizing and decluttering (because jfc how can my kids, especially the girls, have SO MANY FREAKING TOYS?!?!?! It's like a glitter bomb went off in their room, only instead of glitter - or perhaps in addition to - it's toys. . .everywhere. . .all the time. . .). Then, I have a few hours in the afternoon to take things more slowly and do what I like; sew a few masks to mail out the next day, read a bit, think, write. Then when I come back out the general areas of the home I find that it is a mess all over again. 😑 Cycles. . .

photo by Judah

I actually did manage to do my watercolor of our bridge and that pleased me, though the finished piece isn't as good as I wish it could be. It was also very rushed as I was afraid I was spending too much time on it. I am out of practice and I struggle with trees. I am also very very much a beginner. That is one thing I want to work on more as I find time here and there. My cheap round brushes are starting to split at the ends so the next thing to do is to try to reshape them if I can. If not, it may be time to spring for some better brushes when it is safe to go on such a frivolous shopping expedition (or perhaps, I can order some from Amazon). I think I will put this picture in Malachi's room since he loves going to the bridge to fish and has spent a lot of time there over the last few years!

I made this hagstone necklace from a stone Malachi brought me from the creek awhile ago. My dear friend Weston sent me the bear claw necklace last week, all the way from New Orleans! :D

Yesterday we went to a section of the local wildlife area that we hadn't explored before. Rosie and Judah came with me and they both took some lovely photos; Rosie is becoming quite a good little photographer! It reached nearly 80 degrees and Judah became hot and tired after awhile and Rosie, though a tireless little trooper for the first half of the trek, needed carried piggy back on the return journey, but she perked up soon enough when we drove down the hill into the town nearby and got her a hamburger happy meal from the drive-through. She was delighted with the red haired troll doll that came with it.

The next exciting thing is Benjamin's birthday this weekend. He has a long list of complicated items he wants for his birthday (where does one, exactly, locally find a stuffed Megalodon? And yes, he knows the precise differences between the ancient, extinct shark and the current, less exciting ones). He wants a three-tiered chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and NO ICE CREAM. We generally go to the Air Force Museum for his birthday but as it is closed this year due to Covid-19, we will have to think of an acceptable substitute.

Photo by Rosie

The day is already chugging along so it's time to finish this rambling post and get things done! Be gentle with yourselves and with others and never lose hope - things will cycle round.

We made it to the fishing pond!

Much love my friends,

Sarah

A Free Face Mask Sewing Pattern from Twig & Tale

Twig & Tale recently released a new pattern for fabric face masks. Get your FREE copy here: Fabric Face Masks.

I downloaded and printed this pattern yesterday and will be sewing some masks today. The instructions are clear and easy to follow and the best thing (in my opinion!) is the fact that both of these mask styles come in 5 different sizes, from XS to XL. 

With many places beginning to require masks to be worn in public, I think that this pattern is easy enough for almost anyone to follow. As always, if anyone who reads here needs a face mask and is unable to make or obtain one, let me know. 

Much love,

Sarah

Choosing to Live

Yes, the title is a somewhat cheesy quote from Elnor in the new Picard series (did you watch it? I did! I'm sad the season is over) but I think it is accurate advice for me this week. This has been a strange last week. I don't even remember much of it; not because I've not been aware but perhaps I have been more spiritually aware instead of physically. I clearly remember what I was thinking last week but not so much what I was actually doing. But all that is better suited for a post on my OBOD blog, instead of this one. This one, after all, is mainly for sewing!

I do appreciate being able to write here. I started this blog almost 13 years ago and for many years I wrote about daily life as well as sewing projects. Back then, blogs were far more popular than they are now. Then Facebook became wildly popular and then Instagram. I do use, and like, both platforms. A private Facebook for family and friends and an public Instagram where I have been able to connect with wonderful folks from all over.

Venus in the early night sky

But there is something homey and personal about an established blog (and now I'm moving dangerously close to rambling on again about something better suited for a different blog). It is comforting to have something that I can come back to later and re-read if I want to without shuffling through social media posts. Instagram does a better job of keeping everything clear, and organized and neat and precise. But I think in the future I may come back and read about what some of life was like during the spring of 2020 and appreciate having that written down.

A wonderful friend sent me his book early this week. 

So, I do apologize that lately this blog has been far less about sewing! But I do have a sewing project to share in this one. Most of the photos in this blog post will be of it. 😁

Last week Gov. DeWine announced that we will start to reopen our state on May 1st. This will be a very slow process, but it has caused a lot of division here. Some people are angry that he is taking things so slowly. Our numbers here have been good (if cases of sickness and death can ever be considered "good".) People want to have their jobs again. Unemployment has skyrocketed. Meanwhile, people who lost their jobs due to Covid-19 at the end of March have still not received any unemployment benefits from the state. On the other hand, some people think he is moving too fast, too quickly. We should stay in quarantine til June, til July, til school starts, or til next year. In the middle there are people who acknowledge the risk of beginning to reopen the state but are hopeful that citizens will show sensible precaution in interacting with each other so as to allow some businesses to slowly reopen so that people can work and pay their bills. I feel that I am in this middle group.

Lord knows, though, I am getting weary of not having physical interaction. I went to Wal-Mart over the weekend to get some groceries and a birthday gift for Rose. Anne begged to come with me so she could pick out a present for her sister. I reluctantly allowed her to, as long as she agreed to wear her face mask, stay next to me, and not touch anything. She has not been to Wal-Mart or any store since the middle of March. As I pushed the sanitized cart through the store, Anne looked around, her eyes enormous through her glasses above her purple and pink mask. She complained she couldn't breathe. I wouldn't let her take the mask off, though (hers is just 2 layers of tightweave cotton). Many other shoppers also wore masks and kept a good distance away. Some did not wear masks and this bothered Anne. Why should she have to wear a mask when other people didn't? She actually looked up at a woman in the baking aisle and asked "why aren't you wearing a mask?" And the lady simply answered her "because I don't have one."

That broke me. I cried. I cried because someone didn't have a mask. I cried because all the people wearing masks are wearing them to protect others. I cried at not being able to smile at other people or see them smile back. I cried because even though I am far from a physically demonstrative person, I can't hug anyone outside my family. I can't hug someone to comfort or to feel comforted. I can't hug someone to let them know I'm happy they are there. I cried because we are all in this together, yet we are physically far apart. I cried because my parents are far away in Illinois and seeing them in videos or through pictures isn't the same. I cried because even though I don't talk to them as often as I should, I miss them terribly. I cried because I don't know how this situation will affect my sisters wedding this summer. I cried because dang it sometimes you don't need a good reason to cry because all the little reasons add up and come out all at once.

I allowed myself the luxury of thinking back over everything I can remember from the almost-34 years I've been on this planet and crying over those things, too. The thing that still pierces me most is the loss of Grampie in 2013. I'm crying now as I type this and think about him. My world changed when he left it. I am glad he's not here to experience this weirdness. He would be so worried about catching the virus. It makes me happy to think of him in heaven with my first little baby that I miscarried in 2006. I think of her (no, I did not know the sex of the baby and just "felt" it was a girl) as a the age she would be had she lived; I think of Grampie telling her stories and walking with her through some heavenly forest or along the shores of a heavenly sea, picking up sea shells and looking for starfish.

I have thought a lot about my spirituality this past week and have been considering how it has changed over the years. I have felt confusion and like. . .I just need more time? . . to think over things and work out exactly what it is I feel. I don't know why I have felt the urgency to just KNOW what I believe. There is no urgency. I bring that upon myself. Spirituality isn't something you learn and just know from then on. It's a daily conscious awareness that has all the changing light and shadow of the sun as it rises in the morning and filters through trees, or beats down from directly overhead, or gently lets go of the land in the evening while slowly sinking beyond the horizon.

I sewed a little dress for Rosie this week for her birthday. For this months Inspiration Team sewing I chose the Driftwood Dress from Twig & Tale. I decided to use that for her her birthday dress and it was perfect for her special day.

It is difficult to believe this precious baby is 5 years old now. 5! I meant this last year to be a beautiful one for her as it's her last year as a "baby" at home. Kindergarten starts in the fall. I have to wonder what her kindergarten will look like this year - the Governor is talking about a combination of online and in school learning when school resumes this fall. I hope she will love kindergarten, whichever form it takes. She is so excited about going to school.

We made a homemade cake, as usual, and decorated the dining room with streamers and pink balloons and she got a helium filled unicorn balloon which delighted her very much. She carefully placed the 5 candles on her cake but didn't make a wish, since she had made her wish earlier when blowing a dandelion to the wind. I had a beautiful afternoon with her at the local nature preserve. We walked through the woods wherever we wanted and enjoyed the warm sun and the ground covered in soft pale flowers and the muddy, cheerful, bubbly little creek. Malachi came with us and brought his fishing pole to take to the pond but he soon rejoined us and decided to carve a gig and hunt frogs. (He didn't find any, which rather relieved me.) 

Rosie quickly took the camera from me and took many photos of her own. Then, she decided to join her brother in the creek and slowly they both ventured farther and farther and got more and more soaked and when they gleefully began throwing wet mud at each other I decided it was time to come home. 😂

She is very happy that for the next 10 days she is the same age as Benjamin. Benjamin is eager to be 6 on the 2nd of May, since he will be older than she is once again. After his birthday the state will be slowly opening and . . .fingers crossed!. . .maybe the Hocking Hills will be open so we can go there for Mother's Day as we did several years ago. If not, Fort Hill is a very acceptable substitute. It is certainly a very holy place for me and much closer than the Hocking Hills.

We are going to look for morels as soon as we get another dry day. For now and the next few days we will have rain, and so I will take this time to be quiet, to pursue slow things and to spend more time hugging my babies. Maybe today I will begin the watercolor of our covered bridge as I've wanted to do since winter.

Much love to  you all,

Sarah

A Month In

April is going by quickly. I was shocked yesterday to realize that the month is already half over. Little by little, time overtakes the short deadlines I set for myself; first, let's get to the end of March. Next, let's get to my parents anniversary; next, let's make it to Easter. Now we are on the count down to Rosie's birthday and today we counted the boxes left on the calendar together - six days. After that, the deadline is May 1st and the inevitable anxious waiting as we wonder what our governor will tell us then. Will school resume at all this year? (probably not.) What about organized sports? (unlikely) Everyone is desperately waiting to hear about the plan to reopen businesses. People are anxious to go back to work. Perhaps, with careful plans in place, we will be able to, bit by bit. Our curve has flattened. But what comes next? This is all an unknown.

I am tired. I am physically tired and also emotionally tired. Now, a month in, the determined optimism that swept through our community at first is lagging. The teddy bears on porches were replaced by Easter eggs after April 1st, but far less houses participated. Now, a few straggly Easter eggs remain, dangling from trees or taped up in windows, but most people are tired. It's hard enough to get up and go through another day of sameness, of waiting, of clutching desperately for any good news, just to go to bed and repeat the same thing the next day. There is no energy left for side-walk-chalked messages of hope or kid activities. People put on homemade masks to go out, hurrying their errands and going home to shut themselves in. Others are becoming more disgruntled by the day. At the gas station a few days ago, one man at the pump loudly stated his intention of taking his risks and making his own choices. On the village facebook page, people are back to talking about suspicious cars in the neighborhood, lost pets and questions about how to pay bills since the village offices are closed. The library, the parks, the baseball fields, the hang out spots are empty. Behind closed doors kids are bored and schoolwork packets are either already long done or half-heartedly attempted. My own kids are showing signs of irritation, especially the big boys. The little ones are, for the most part, still content.

the little girls love doing  yoga with me each day!

I spent all last week sewing masks one after another. I was thankful for the work; glad to have something to do to keep me busy. On Monday I finished up my last set and mailed them out. I've taken the last few days to clean my house again and reorganize my sewing room and clean my sewing machine, which was packed full of lint and bits of thread and needed the tension adjusted again. A new sewing needle. Now, it waits for its next task. Wait. We all wait. 

Easter came and went. I filled the baskets the night before and fell asleep before setting the baskets on the kids beds for them to find when they woke up the next morning. I was wakened before sunrise by two very annoyed little girls who demanded their baskets. They scrambled back to bed and pretended to be asleep while I put their baskets on their beds. And then! The whole day was a long stretch of candy and candy wrappers and them playing with their new LOL dolls and barbie clothes while I cooked dinner and helped them make strawberry cupcakes. We didn't have anyone over and none of us ate as much as we thought we would. Leftovers for days!

In the afternoon the babies and I went to the nature preserve and they ran off some energy. I had wanted to take pictures of the girls new Easter regency dresses and I did, though at the cost of clean dresses. 😂 I will have a post up sometime soon about these dresses. I squeezed sewing them up in the last few days before Easter, getting up very early and staying up late. I did not have time or inclination to make my own regency gown but I might try to make it for my birthday next month. Benjamin wore his Twig & Tale Treeclimber Pantaloons and the matching cap I made him last month. They all had baths when we got home and the clothes got an overnight soak in oxiclean.

We looked at the full moon last week, went searching for ramps in the woods (and we found plenty!), got gas for $1.23 a gallon and took too many trips around town looking for a little stray dog that people kept posting about on the village facebook page, begging someone, anyone to come pick it up since it kept darting into the road. We lost power during a severe thunderstorm one night and the next morning trees were down all over town, trampolines blown out of yards and a friend who lives outside of town lost his entire barn. Later, it was confirmed that six (six!) tornadoes had moved through the area. 

As we go into this last part of April my hope is that soon we will have answers. That we see fewer and fewer new cases and less and less deaths. That we have patience; that we endure, that we love each other.

We will come out of this. We already have come so far. 

Much love,

Sarah